Let's try triffids!

<Soundstage studio. Live taping of Star In Your Garden! commences. Jaunty music. Andrew jogs in from behind a green curtain>

Uh, hello, everyone. I’m your host, Andrew, and welcome to Star In Your Garden!

 <Polite applause>

I’m flattered to be guest-hosting this gardening show while the regular host is away, and we hope he recovers soon and that, well… that all charges against him are dropped.

<Audience murmurs while Andrew walks to sofa and sits, takes a moment to adjust for comfort. Andrew looks directly into camera>

Ahem. In the spirit of daytime television sincerity, and as I told my producers, I’m really new to this hosting gig, so I’ll do my very best. And this is where you can help!

<TV show audience members look at each other, intrigued>

I figured since this is a how-to show, we can learn together. All of us – me, you the studio audience, and those watching at home!


Thank you. I’m counting on your support!

Anyway, let’s begin the show. I thought it would be a great exercise to grow and cultivate an obscure plant and see if we can make it work together. I did a bit of research with the full support of my producers, and discovered an intriguing quote from a British horticulturist, or something, named John Wyndham. He wrote about a plant I’ve never heard of. Here’s the quote on the monitor, and let me read it out to you:

<Studio lights dim. Andrew reads out the following quote displayed on the monitor:>

“My introduction to a triffid came early. It so happened that we had one of the first in the locality growing in our own garden. The plant was quite well developed before any of us bothered to notice it, for it had taken root along with a number of other casuals behind the bit of hedge that screened the rubbish heap. It wasn’t doing any harm there, and it wasn’t in anyone’s way. So when we did notice it later on, we’d just take a look at it now and then to see how it was getting along, and let it be.” John Wyndham, Day of the Triffids

 Okay, let’s raise the lights.

<Lights are raised>

I deliberately haven’t read the rest of this textbook, so that you, the audience, can enjoy the thrill of anticipation along with me!

<Laughter, then applause>

Now! If everyone in the audience will look under their chairs – go ahead, have a look now! – yes, you’ll find a package of seeds. Yours for free!

<Audience stands, cheers, goes crazy and chants:>

“Free seeds! Free seeds! Free seeds! Free seeds!”

<Audience continues to go nuts>

Yes! And for those of you watching from home, send me a cheque for, ten dollars, sure – ten bucks, and we’ll send you your own package of seeds.

<More cheering and jumping>

Thank you, thanks. Okay….

<Pause while audience returns to sanity>

Now, what you are all holding in the studio are seeds for this plant called a “triffid.” I’m not an expert, which is the point of this show. I know as much as you do. You see –


Thank –

<More applause>

Ha ha, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. As I was saying: We. Can. Learn. Together! If you have a look at the monitor, you can see I’ve started growing my triffid indoors.

<Photo of Andrew’s Triffid sapling appears on monitor>



I fashioned a newspaper pot and added some nutrient-rich potting soil. <Applause> I put it under a lamp, and you know what? It sprouted in a couple of days. <More applause> At this rate, I imagine it will be ready within a week to transfer to my garden. And the best part? I can plant the newspaper pot directly into my garden – easy, and no waste! <Standing applause> Now I want all of you to start growing your triffids, and share your results on social media. Repeat after me: Let’s try triffids!

<Audience shouts “Let’s try triffids!” Then more applause and cheering>

<Andrew looks off camera towards producers and nods>

Well, that’s all the time we have for today, but I’ll be your guest host for as long as the legal system drags out the trial for your regular host, so I encourage you to plant your triffids today! I’ll research the development and care of triffids as we grow ours together. See you next week, same time, same place! Remember: Hashtag Let’s try triffids!

<Jaunty music plays. Andrew bounces offstage, with more than a small amount of relief. Exeunt>